It's 2022

I stumbled upon this blog once more and I realized how much I miss writing. I read my stuffs and wondered geez I can really write. So, it's 2022 and as I go through the pain and suffering of my blog posts which is in 2019, I dragged it for so long till it is now 2022. 5 years worth of losing my mind to a guy who by the end of the day, didn't deserve all the good things that I have done or tried to do. 

But before we go there, lets have an update on what's happening in 2022 so far:

1. I'm officially a teacher. Alhamdulillah, this I believe is the best decision that I ever made. Regardless of the admin work teachers have, I am super grateful to be able to be here. In the company of good teachers and good students. I love it here. I love teaching and I love seeing my students grow. Although soon, the ones closest to me are leaving but by the end of the day, being an educator, is learning how to let go. Letting go of your anger, letting go of students mistakes, letting go of friends transferring and letting go the children that you've taken care of. Wishing them nothing but the best. 

2. I got covid on 19/2/2022. Yuph, you hear that right. For the longest time covid was here, I finally got infected. Not to say that I was aiming for it, it was really God's will. Two weeks prior, my little brother was positive, so I had to be quarantined for close contact, which is fair. 5 days and I'm out of the house. On Friday, one of the students was to do a covid test so me being the health teacher at school had to assist it. We weren't that prepared for it, I have no gloves, neither a PPE set. All I have is my face mask. Moreover, students being students, I had to help him with his saliva test. When the double line began to appear I panicked and washed my hands. Luckily enough, he was sent home and I was not yet infected. I thought I was saved. Little did I know, God always has His own plans. Out of nowhere, to be honest, my housemate was positive. We shared bathrooms unfortunately, two days later, I was positive too. The experience of it, was not the best. It was horrible plus I was having my period that week. I cried like a baby day and night, homesick, missing my mom, my friends, and my ex. It was horrible. Temperature went up to 38.4, I've got chills like nobody's business and sore throat was the most painful. So yeah, I cried for a good few days.

3. My stupid ex blocked me. If I were to be on his side, I would understand why. We settled for good but I still expected him to be there for me so he had to cut it off before things went further. But if I were on my side, I was and still am enraged. I was sick. I wanted to cry all the time. I miss him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted comfort. He ignored and I asked why, few minutes after that, I was blocked. "The woman was too stunned to speak." Was my meme after that. Still couldn't believe the guy that I spent 5 years with have no absolute mercy on me. All he thinks about is himself for sure. Probably afraid that I'll never stopped. But, can't blame him. He doesn't know what I think of him anymore. With that, I promised myself this will be the last time I'll put myself on the pedestal and stopped expecting what he is not. Forgiveness will take a while but what I know, I'm not going to settle for this kind of treatment from him anymore. That's for sure. May Allah repay him with whatever he deserves to put me in an emotional state when I'm dealing with Covid. 

4. Changing. I can't tell what exactly but I do feel some sort of difference on who I am as a person. Oh, I'm 30 this year btw. My perspective towards marriage has changed. I used to want it so badly. I used to think that it's this wonderful fantasy where I could spend the rest of my life with my partner conquering world. I guess I was wrong because as I was single and looking through friends' marriage. You got to be blessed if God gives you a good and loving marriage. But some too are being blessed with trials of their marriages too. Some I wouldn't know how to go through or react to. As a single person, my solution would be simple but perhaps for marriages with kids and having love towards your partner, things could be a little bit different there. So yeah, what is marriage to me these days? Maybe more of a company. Somebody to spend my life with, to grow with and to go through difficult times together. But never ever give up on each other. 

5. Self-love journey. I have gone through several break-ups with Khairul hoping that things will be different or I will be different. But perhaps my perspective and his is different so we just didn't meet half-way. Conversation, closure or discussions doesn't seem to matter because by the end of the day, I think both of us expect different things from each other. When I lost him completely, I didn't know who I was. I am not happy inside despite being relief of the toxic relationship ended. But who I am really? Who is Illya? I believe she's a bit of everything but identity wise, she seems lost. She seems not to know where she stands. What are her good feature these days that she's proud of? Honestly, I don't feel I am proud of anything in my life right now cause I don't feel I display a certain image of success or appealing in my own mind. To catch it back seems like a long journey but I am willing to put my feet in it and find myself back. The one that I lost when I was trying so bad to carry the relationship. I got to find her back. Probably she's a new person, that didn't matter, As long as I can find her again, I can't wait to live with her honestly and truly. 

Well, I guess that's what I wanted to write so far. Haven't been expressing my thoughts well these days. I believe I still enjoy doing this. heh. love you illya.