your last subuh

 

I woke up today and found a video shared by my dear friend, Putri. This video is about the last prisoners (banduan akhir). Aliff Satar is a singer and on last Ramadhan, he got a chance to spend his last Ramadhan with the prisoners. 

So when I watched this video, he said that the last prisoners, before they will hang them, are given a choice on when do they want it to be. Some chooses friday, some chooses after Fajr prayer. So he said, can you imagine after Fajr prayers? After Subuh, that's only 2 rakaat, and as you sujood, what would be your last thing you pray about? What would be the last thing that you want to ask Allah of? and as you rise and perform your tahiyat akhir, give salam and that's it, you're on the way to your death. 

The thing that caught my heart, it made me realized that I have so many things to be grateful about and I sulk at the moment when K left me. I sulk and there was a moment when I feel I can't live without him. When I am in my sujood, I don't know what to pray for because all of my prayers had been about him. So I told Allah that I don't have anything to pray for. I did pray as usual, 5 times a day, but when it comes to the time when I was about to start my du'a, I just gave up. 

I cried really, when I thought about that. I wondered that when I was being so ungrateful to have all the time in the world to perform salah, to be on the sajadah and asked Allah for anything, I didn't use it because I was moping around. I was busy being sad. How ungrateful I have been? I could asked for anything! Allah's mercy, my family's wellbeing, my friends to be blessed, my rezeki dunya and akhirah, even K's happiness! and what did I do? 

I shall remain this post here and a reminder for me everytime I read this. 

Everytime when I feel sad or when I feel that I give up on things to pray about, 

I shall read this. 

I shall keep on asking for forgiveness,

I shall keep on being grateful,

I shall keep on asking from You. 

Don't leave me astray. 

Amin.