Traces of Allah
I have trouble expressing this last time, because I believe it has to have that certain perfection of what I write and things have to make sense. But when I tried to think further and further, I find that things sometimes just doesn't make sense. Because Allah has told us several times already in the Quran:
"Allah Knows, while you know not." -Al-Baqarah [2:216]
So I keep on pondering the tracers of Allah, it is everywhere. The fact that I didn't get to choose my family, the fact that I can't customised my life, it all make sense because there's Allah. Ambiguity is His thing.
BUT.
Even in ambiguity, He gives us signs. His words are very clear and His presence is felt. Reason why it was hard for me to write this last time because I was too fixated on the things that I couldn't see. When clearly, everything has been shown to me.
I am the kind of a person who is very greedy when it comes to food. But I realized there are times when I was greedy, I took it em all, just to see all the food splattered on the floor or in the toilet bowl. It's not always fun to be greedy and you're not supposed to be.
And there's this podcast I heard that "Allah will never take back His blessings only if you deserve for it to be snatched away." I kind of know all of this is some sort of a punishment for the wrong things that I have done. All this time, I was really really really devastated about it, because I was thinking that I really did lose something that was important to me. But the thing is, it's inevitable. The whole blessing from this very punishment is that I have learned to be okay by own self, I struggled with my own feelings, I have found Him as a friend in times of loneliness. Honestly, I felt His presence. But even if he puts down his wrath in writings, he put his blessing and mercy in writings too. You can only deserve back what has been taken away from you if you repent, turn back to Allah and seek forgiveness. That, is another whole journey I have yet to explore deeply.
And everytime, I felt His presence. It's because my heart was calm even though I wanted to throw every tantrum that I could. I know deep inside of me, He is telling me, to hold His hand and to let go of my past hurts, to look into a brighter future. Other things in life will start to make its way, everything just balances itself. I am still angry, I can tell you that. I am still resentful, I can still vouch for that. But I know this will eventually pass.
He actually saved me from being astray once again, right at the moment when I opened up my weakness, my confusion but I seek His help to not let me lose my attachment with Him. Just right after that, Khairul decided to leave. It's literally like a snap of a finger and everything just crumbled down to pieces.
Just when almost 80% of my heart decided I wanted to look forward to the future, Allah blessed me with the teaching interview. It came so sudden that I was flabbergasted. As if, it's a calling, probably a saving, probably saying "it's time.". I had that kind of feeling. Unsure yes, but the tingling is there. As if he knows, I needed to go away and start anew, start something fresh, and maybe do the thing that I love most.
So in overall to me, how would I trace Allah is mostly both through His blessings and His wrath. The tough tides, the calmness of the sea and the ripples too. All of it, has His fingerprints.
"Allah Knows, while you know not." -Al-Baqarah [2:216]
So I keep on pondering the tracers of Allah, it is everywhere. The fact that I didn't get to choose my family, the fact that I can't customised my life, it all make sense because there's Allah. Ambiguity is His thing.
BUT.
Even in ambiguity, He gives us signs. His words are very clear and His presence is felt. Reason why it was hard for me to write this last time because I was too fixated on the things that I couldn't see. When clearly, everything has been shown to me.
I am the kind of a person who is very greedy when it comes to food. But I realized there are times when I was greedy, I took it em all, just to see all the food splattered on the floor or in the toilet bowl. It's not always fun to be greedy and you're not supposed to be.
And there's this podcast I heard that "Allah will never take back His blessings only if you deserve for it to be snatched away." I kind of know all of this is some sort of a punishment for the wrong things that I have done. All this time, I was really really really devastated about it, because I was thinking that I really did lose something that was important to me. But the thing is, it's inevitable. The whole blessing from this very punishment is that I have learned to be okay by own self, I struggled with my own feelings, I have found Him as a friend in times of loneliness. Honestly, I felt His presence. But even if he puts down his wrath in writings, he put his blessing and mercy in writings too. You can only deserve back what has been taken away from you if you repent, turn back to Allah and seek forgiveness. That, is another whole journey I have yet to explore deeply.
And everytime, I felt His presence. It's because my heart was calm even though I wanted to throw every tantrum that I could. I know deep inside of me, He is telling me, to hold His hand and to let go of my past hurts, to look into a brighter future. Other things in life will start to make its way, everything just balances itself. I am still angry, I can tell you that. I am still resentful, I can still vouch for that. But I know this will eventually pass.
He actually saved me from being astray once again, right at the moment when I opened up my weakness, my confusion but I seek His help to not let me lose my attachment with Him. Just right after that, Khairul decided to leave. It's literally like a snap of a finger and everything just crumbled down to pieces.
Just when almost 80% of my heart decided I wanted to look forward to the future, Allah blessed me with the teaching interview. It came so sudden that I was flabbergasted. As if, it's a calling, probably a saving, probably saying "it's time.". I had that kind of feeling. Unsure yes, but the tingling is there. As if he knows, I needed to go away and start anew, start something fresh, and maybe do the thing that I love most.
So in overall to me, how would I trace Allah is mostly both through His blessings and His wrath. The tough tides, the calmness of the sea and the ripples too. All of it, has His fingerprints.
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