disturbed
It's tough really, to find the conclusion that you can make peace with.
there's too many opinions,
too many talks,
too many thoughts.
Honestly, I don't know what to believe.
Which route to take.
What to think about.
When I already know what I wanted to believe.
Then it got messed up today and I am very much disturbed.
"He doesn't love you as much!"
I know for a fact that if you love me, you would strive to be with me no matter what. I know that, just don't pour salt on my bruises. I am learning to accept it as it is.
"Move on! What are you waiting for?!"
It's not as easy as it is. I can't just throw the only person that I have been depended on, the only person that I see as home, as my future partner, the only one I trust. I can't just throw him away. I can't hate him, everything I do, I see him in a good light.
"Don't contact him! Stay away from him!"
I am trying. I am trying my super best to distract myself. Trying my super best to feel okay being alone. I am trying, so please, don't push me.
"Open up to other people."
It's easier said than done. As many people as I meet. As many people I try to talk to. I don't like them, I have no interest in them. I can't force my feelings unto someone. I don't even feel like I want to go out and have fun, what makes you think I wanna go out dating.
"You crying over here, for all we know, he's having fun with his life!"
Then what do you want me to do? Suppressed all my sadness? Pretend like nothing happen? I can't. I can only go through it and be fine about it. I know he's having fun. I know he's not one bit suffering, he's not one bit regretful, he doesn't feel guilty. He feels like he's doing the right thing, he feels like it's the best decision.
I know that I need to strive this. I know I need to move on. But it's not something as easy as snapping one's finger. It's really not easy to do that. Now, when I hear all of this, I become once again disturbed, I become once again angry and full of resentment.
As much as everybody including K want all of this to end, I too want this to end. I too want to get to a point where I don't miss him, where I feel I don't need him in my life, where I feel that I don't love him anymore, where I don't feel like I want him to come back.
SO PLEASE.
STOP.
there's too many opinions,
too many talks,
too many thoughts.
Honestly, I don't know what to believe.
Which route to take.
What to think about.
When I already know what I wanted to believe.
Then it got messed up today and I am very much disturbed.
"He doesn't love you as much!"
I know for a fact that if you love me, you would strive to be with me no matter what. I know that, just don't pour salt on my bruises. I am learning to accept it as it is.
"Move on! What are you waiting for?!"
It's not as easy as it is. I can't just throw the only person that I have been depended on, the only person that I see as home, as my future partner, the only one I trust. I can't just throw him away. I can't hate him, everything I do, I see him in a good light.
"Don't contact him! Stay away from him!"
I am trying. I am trying my super best to distract myself. Trying my super best to feel okay being alone. I am trying, so please, don't push me.
"Open up to other people."
It's easier said than done. As many people as I meet. As many people I try to talk to. I don't like them, I have no interest in them. I can't force my feelings unto someone. I don't even feel like I want to go out and have fun, what makes you think I wanna go out dating.
"You crying over here, for all we know, he's having fun with his life!"
Then what do you want me to do? Suppressed all my sadness? Pretend like nothing happen? I can't. I can only go through it and be fine about it. I know he's having fun. I know he's not one bit suffering, he's not one bit regretful, he doesn't feel guilty. He feels like he's doing the right thing, he feels like it's the best decision.
I know that I need to strive this. I know I need to move on. But it's not something as easy as snapping one's finger. It's really not easy to do that. Now, when I hear all of this, I become once again disturbed, I become once again angry and full of resentment.
As much as everybody including K want all of this to end, I too want this to end. I too want to get to a point where I don't miss him, where I feel I don't need him in my life, where I feel that I don't love him anymore, where I don't feel like I want him to come back.
SO PLEASE.
STOP.
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